Thursday, December 14, 2000

Thursday. I'll be getting married in a week's time. By this time next week, I'll be dressed and ready to take my vows. I never thought this day would come... and it still isn't real, even though we got the marriage license Monday. In stark, clear black and white it says our names, below the huge, ornate "Rite of Matrimony" graphic. I'm starting to get nervous. How silly... we've been together more than 2 years, friends for more than 6 years, handfasted two years ago on the 21st. But this is IT. This is the legally binding ceremony which will make me Mrs. Charles Robinson for all time.

I'm dealing with some issues from way back when, suddenly. Abuse issues, jealousy issues. It has finally struck home with me where my jealousy issues come from. I perceive so much to be a threat because of my past abuse. I have got to heal. I thought I was... I thought everything was good. But the irrational and extreme jealousy that has caused problems in the past hasn't been healed and it needs to be. I have to understand where it comes from in order to stop it. Having just a couple of days ago discovered where it came from, I still have a way to go.

Perhaps that is the cause of my apprehension about the wedding. I don't want to saddle C.R. with a basket case. *sigh* It isn't that I don't want to marry him; gods, no. I want that with my entire being. I want to spend the rest of my life loving this wonderful man who has showed me so much that I never saw before... who helped me become more of the me that I really am... who adores and cherishes me above all else. He deserves so much... so much more than someone who still has issues, and cannot trust anyone 100%. But he has shown me that there is hope, and that I can be whole once more. His patience astounds me, his love sustains me.

Ah, damn... I need to stop before I cry. Crying at work is a no-no.